At The Sign Of The Prancing Poodle

2007-07-08T11:16:00.000+01:00

this will be the last Blog I do I am not longer comfortable blogging knowing that its being scanned for slights so I leave you all with a heavy heart and pictures of my new bed I have enjoyed blogging for the last 4 years but I don;t want to go private and I don;t want to have to watch every word I say so this is the end , For me the hilight of my blog will always be the trip to knowsley with the llamas and Baboons cheerio chaps xxxxx

2007-07-04T21:01:00.000+01:00

What a fuck off and die day this has turned out to be. Those who know me will know that I had been looking forward to this day with great anticipation after months of crap sleep my new bed was to be delivered . This clashed with sports day so I was hoping that the bed would arrive in the morning and I would be able to get to the school for the kids afternoon sports day session. Didn't sleep well last night as usual got up at 4 and saw Carol on line sniggered went back to bed. got up again at half six did the sandwiches etc woke the kids up got dressed did the usual crap like washing up putting the papers in the storage tim ,walked the kids to the bus stop and then on up to the co-op for my paper waved to the kids as as I walked back cos the bus hadn't been yet got home sat down with a cuppa ready to read the news online , kids come bursting through the door in tears to say the fucking bus hadn't stopped for them despite them holding their hand out and there being ten other people at the stop. This meant they had to catch the bus an hour later and that they missed the first events in the morning sports day programme.
Noon came and went and no word came there from the delivery drivers, finally at about 2ish they rang to ask where I was so I told them . They delivered the bed and rushed out the house I went up to look and there was no fucking mattress with it. I rang the delivery drivers and they said o h no delivery note about a mattress rang the shop the said we'll get back to you flower. They rang back ans said that owing to a clerical error the mattress hadn't got on the van and it would be another week before they can deliver it . I said what am I supposed to do meanwhile and the bloke said "sorry flower, I;d invite you to share my bed but the wifes cooking is terrible " so that was that . A mates coming round tomorrow all things being well to help me put the frame together , however Sams losing his voice and its looking like he;s ging to be off school so things jus go from crap to crapper

2007-07-03T14:34:00.000+01:00

I realised this morning that today is my Wedding anniversary ,how very Alanis Morrisett that I should spend it at the dole office trying to sign on eh? Its funny because I spent my 30th Birthday doing exactly the same thing my life has more cycles than the upstairs at Halfords. Ellie is nagging me to write a novel but I a not in the right frame of mind. The man at the dole office liked me he said I had a positive attitude and at least I could laugh at my life

2007-07-02T20:51:00.000+01:00

The weather here is strange its been pissing down for days but this afternoon it was sunny and warm , I haven't been sleeping well though so I was too tired to go out in it .I trod on basils lead this morning and managed to break his collar which is a right bastard cos it wasn't that old and I could do without the expense of a new one at the mo. Tomorrow I have an interview with the Job centre to see what benefits I am eligible for so wish me luck. A friend popped in this morning which was nice and cheered me up no end I settled down to watch wimbledon but rain stopped lay so much it was hard to keep interested and my mind wandered too much. Its the kids Sportsday on wednesday unfortunately My new bed is also being delivered on wednesday I hope its in the morning so I can at east wacch the afternoons events or even better that it pours with rain and it is postponed to a later date.I a looking forward to getting my new bed hopefully it will set me back sleeping at the right time .last night my dog appeared to have had a conversation with a friend of mine in Ims fortunately he hadn't hit send to his garbled jhdkjhdsadsh was still in the send box this morning

2007-06-30T08:38:00.000+01:00

I awoke today to some very sad news , a good internet friend of mine had died yesterday afternoon .Jan or swanny as I used to her ( owing to her weird idea that swans are actually beautiful birds and not the arm breaking killing machines that we know them to be ) was truly inspirational , in a world of self pity and deep depression over minor set backs Jan was like a beacon of hope shining out. Despite bowel cancer and numerous nasty operations and set backs she remained positive I never saw her whine about pain or do anything other than look forwards with a positivity that I wish I could emulate in my every day life. She and her husband John were always looking forward to what they would be able to do ,never at what they could not longer do and when I was in the pathetic slough of dispondancy brought on by my financial and marital worries,one day I just thought of Jan and realised that life is to be lived every last second of it and if you want to do something do it because not doing it is infinitely worse . My life has been enhanced by knowing Jan and I hope that in times of hardship I will think of her and know that I am capable of doing whatever it is needs doing . I shall miss you Jan you were fab

2007-06-28T13:42:00.000+01:00

I have been toying of late with changing my name , not my last name my first name . I have never liked Alex very much its short it's, curt and it sounds like a bloke. I was wondering if changing ones name could change ones personality . Few people call me anything other than Alex or mum or weasle . A couple of people in pub quiz call me Lexi which like a lot more than Alex ,Lexi doesn't sound like a man for a start which has to be a bonus but if I took up Lexi as my first name would my personality change with it would I become fluffier and less sarcastic or would I remain Alex just answering to another name .Would I remember to answer if someone called me Lexi? Allan I look forward to your input on this since you were the one who said People needed to stop calling me mum and start calling me by my name

2007-06-25T19:52:00.001+01:00

2007-06-25T07:30:00.000+01:00

I awoke this morning to the sounds of the pissing rain, which is the sound I went to sleep with last night, its only to be expected its Wimbledons start today. I also awoke to yet another ruddy Im from bloody wolf saying hahhahah you aren;t there , because I forgot to log out of aol when I went to bed to watch Pete Dohertys babyshambles set which was on fat too late. Today I will mostly bbe doing housework sincce my parents parting words were this house needs bottoming which while sounding like some kinky form of exorcism is actually my mothers phrase for you live in a pig sty . I have told the kids I will go to the bus stop today and stand with a brolly until the bus comes since last week they got so wet waiting that they had to wear PE kit all day in school,Sam has taken up swearing as a hobby I don;t know where he fcking picks it up from but will knock it out of the cheeky little bastard if it kills me

2007-06-23T17:58:00.000+01:00

Today I managed to get my bed taken away to the dump, unfortunately just after its departure I found the invoice and discovered that my new bed isn't being delivered on Wednesday as I thought but a week on Wednesday so guess who is back sleeping on sofa again. I am becoming besotted with Carl Barat as well as Pete Doherty if they reunite, as is rumoured ,tonight it's entirely possible I may explode in orgasmic joy , failing that I shall watch Dr who

2007-06-21T00:24:00.000+01:00

my lovely peter doing the Disney thingy the other day Even the telegraph gave him a good review since he was the only one to learn his song he;s on Jonathan ross on friady I have my sky + set cos I am a sad old lady

2007-06-20T22:15:00.000+01:00

7 days of my parents aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2007-06-17T19:49:00.000+01:00

My mum and dad bought me a new bed yesterday its a memory foam mattress with a nice cherry wood frame and two matching bedside tables, I can't wait for it to *arrive a week on wednesday. tomorrow we are going to meet my uncle and his wife in Middlesbrough that should be fun :: insert sarcasm font here "
I have been mostly sitting at the computer today wearing my iPod to drown out the noiuse of nagging mothers and whinging childdren . yesterday was very exciting as pete and karl recorded for the first time since 2004.everyone is on at me I shall continue blogging later

2007-06-14T23:38:00.000+01:00

My parents are here ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGG they have been bickering all evening at one point they were arguing about stacking the dishwasher which is fine , except I don't have a dishwasher.My kids are all trying to work out how much they can screw out of them while they here . I am winning at the moment since my dad said he would pay for me to do an intensive driving course in Blackpool residential for a week:) I have been entertaining myself quite nicely . I realised on Monday that for the first time in about 6 or 7 years I am really quite happy with life which is nice .I am sleeping on the sofa in the sitting room for the next week so if you see me online at funny hours its because it is tantalisingly close and not because I am up to anything suspicious honest Guv

2007-06-12T17:37:00.000+01:00

I am going to become a new person I am going to take the screen name and become a fluffy i think I shall call myself Fluffyicklealex and no one will have to be scared of me anymore ...except that stupid little tart in pub quiz who talks in text speak cos she needs a right good slap.
My lovely sister sent me a pair of crocs this week and must say ugly as fuck they may be but by god they are comfy its the best my ankles felt in ages, the shoes are this colour, I may see if I can find a cheap pair in a lovely pink to go with the new fluffy me, whilst Jane is lovely I was a little disappointed when I rummaged through all the wrapping etc that she appeared once again to have forgotten to send the promised Rolex , now anyone who knows me will tell you that I am not one to complain but I think she;s being very tardy in sending it myself .
I have not been propositioned by a wanker again but at least you can admire his honesty, but I have to ask myself do men really think if they tell you a right load of old bollocks about how gorgeous you are , you are going to shag them , I'm more likely to do it if they say ye gods you are a dog but if we drink enough gin they may be able to get it up between sick bucket visits , still its all good fun

2007-06-10T19:55:00.000+01:00

ha hah I just told Tom to have a bath and he said "no I can't run it myself " and went all sulky. so I said "what would you do if I died and you didn't have anyone to run a bath" for you and he said , "I wouldn't have one I'd just stink"
Its been warm here this weekend , I don't do warm. For a laugh I joined a dating website just to find someone to go out and see films and that kind of thing not for full on rampant sex on the dining room table wearing nazi uniform and saying " you vill tell me vere anne frank is or I shall have my wicked way with you "because that would be wrong . Anyway this bloke messaged me today and his profile made me laugh like a hyena for about three hours and because I am a top notch bitch I shall share it with you
In my own words...

non-pushy decent guy looking for a woman who will let me m4sturbate in front of her. in person preferably. i know its sad but it really turns me on. willing to do anything in return but no pressure for anything else i promise. will Even fix ur computer or something like that if u let me do it ;) would like to hear from any guys who would like to m44sturbate with me too

sadly he wont dress as a nazi so I fear we are not a match made in heaven, but its lovely to be asked as I always say

2007-06-09T17:04:00.001+01:00

Someone bought my kids Harmonicas today . I now have a splitting headache and they may well disappear overnight .My day is brightened only by Google alerts about my beloved .Apparently Kate Moss is launching a perfume in Marrakesh and wants Pete there , However the perfume lable don't want him there as he looks as if he niffs a bit and his London flat was a tad rank. I'd be more worried about taking him to Marrakesh and him never coming home myself . Anyway I wont be rushing out to buy Kate's new perfume I smell divine enough as it is , if you like the stench of a sweaty fat lass at a disco that is ;-D

2007-06-08T08:59:00.001+01:00

My hair is back to its normal state now, see picture, I am posting pics of myself in order to boost all your confidences .I would kill for a good nights sleep, I just don;t seem to be able to sleep the whole night through anymore and I am always up before 6 which if you told anyone in my family they wouldn't believe.This morning I was awakened by the merry sound of the birds singing and basil chewing his toe nails , so even after you get separated things never change only the person doing it.The lovely flowers that Ellie and ronald and mandy and marj bought are beginning to fade and die but I know ron secretly put that red rose in amongst them so I am saving it pressed between the pages of stings book on tantric sex and how to prolong things. The grass in the fields where I take Basil walking has now grown so tall all I see of basil is thei white gazelle shaped animal leaping springbok like into the air .. its good though cos he gets knackered faster.My mum and dad are coming to stay next Thursday for a week so I wont be blogging as they can be quite a lot of work however one mustdo ones best after all they are old and I cant afford to be written out the will :-D

2007-06-06T11:38:00.000+01:00

well Sams still got a rash I kept him off school not cos I think its contageous or anything just because every time he gets hot it looks like his head's going to explode and while I find it mildly amusing the school probably don't want exploded child over the freshly painted classroom wall.I am head bangingly mind numbingly bored today they'd sold out of papers at the co-op so I can't do the crossword and they keep running quizzes in the chat room which means theres no chat about mooncups and porn and Sams home so I can;t watch porn its all very boring and I have had to content myself by fantasising about Ron and Ellies tantric life

2007-06-05T16:16:00.001+01:00

The reason I don;t smle on photos is here

2007-06-05T15:55:00.001+01:00

my new haircut, I was all set for a relaxing day when the school rang to say Sam had a rash and could I pick him up so I ended up like a blue arsed fly rushing to the school on the bus then rushing to the chemists to ask the pharmacists advice then rushing to the hairdressers, the cuts good though even if the face leaves a bit to be desired.I go to what jessica calls a Pamela Jean hairdressers it couldn't be less fashionable if it tried but all the girls who work there know how to cut hair in a styles that are idiot proof and easy to manage and it costs £20 rather than the £40- £50 that the places with three silver twigs in some pebbles in the window cost.

2007-06-05T09:58:00.000+01:00

Aquarius (Jan21-Feb19)
Your quick wit makes a good impression on a large group of people. Within a matter of minutes, you could find yourself surrounded by new friends. There's never been a better time to attend a big social gathering. One member of the crowd may take a special interest in you. There's probably a significant age difference between you, which only adds to the excitement. You admire this person's dry humour, and they adore your grand vision

I got really excited about this 'til I realised Russel Grant is gay and an Aquarian and is obviously playing out his fantasies with my horoscope and I was already to throw my cap at Ron then too ;)

2007-06-04T11:54:00.001+01:00

My favourite episode of Two Pints of Lager and packet of crisps http://quicksilverscreen.com/watch/5833

2007-06-01T12:16:00.000+01:00

There are words that I hate for no apparent reason , I am a fairly irrational person anyway but there are words that make me actually want to hit people when they use them . Anyhoo is one, I mean what the fuck is wrong with anyway, or anyhow if you must?.

2007-05-31T19:14:00.001+01:00

I wasn't doing much today so I knocked out this quick sketch of myself I looks scarily like my mother which is very depressing.I have an appointment to get my hair cut on Tuesday I don't know what to have done apart from a fringe to stop me turning into Yoko completely on the bright side if I do turn into her I hate Paul Macartney so I wont have to change any sides . I My ankle is giving my gyp this week I am not sure if it's because it's damp the pain seems to be on the other side from the break though I am boiling my orthopedic inner soles in the hope that they can help me I am hoping at least one of my children will do what they always do when I have a pan on the hob and sample the contents .I took the two smallest of my kids into darlo today they now have new school trousers tom has new school shoes sam has new trainers , Tom has a new cyberman sam has a new skateboard , tom has two new pairs of glasses and sam has a whole load of tricks that came free with the beano and me ? I have a headache

2007-05-30T15:29:00.000+01:00

My kids are home they have been with their father for the last 5 days and I have felt like my arm has been cut off , they are currently in the bedroom being loud and arguing over the x box no doubt tomorrow they will be driving me mad and I will be shouting and moaning but today I am just happy to hear it , it's been like a morgue here for the last 5 days. I may even let them choose their own dinner from Lidls thats how much I've missed them

2007-05-28T20:16:00.000+01:00

For Melissa

click here this explains it all

2007-05-28T11:29:00.000+01:00

I was bored this morning and got to wondering where all the pixels go from a chat room once they vanish from our screens, I came to the conclusion that the pixel pixies take then and use them to make croc shoes which is why they come in garish colours but are incredibly light.

2007-05-27T12:08:00.000+01:00

Friday was a bit of a crap day I went to the hairdressers to get my hair cut but it would seem I made an appointment but not at my hairdressers god knows whereI did book it . Came home and there was a letter from the estate agents saying that someone had told the landlord that our front was looking overgrown and shabby.I wouldn't mind but when I moved in it was a patch of very weedy grass and I mowed it as soon as I got a lawn mower. So Saturday morning at 8 am I was out there with the lawn mower a pair of scissors and a cheese knife tidying it up. I cut the grass and used the knife to slice the grass where it has grown over the paving slabs of the path , obviously all this has occurred in the 8 weeks I have been living here and prior to that it was like a country house lawn just waiting for the croquet hoops.
Anyway I had three trips to Lidls yesterday to get provisions for my guests . I shop a lot at Lidls but I rarely mention it.Then I settled down to await them with great excitement, well I say excitement I mean I looked out the window once or twice , well I say I looked out the window I mean if the dog stared I glanced up ok I'm lying I didn't look at all.Eventually after several hours Mandy and marjory arrived marj was covered in oil they claimed to have had a flat tyre but those handprints on Amanda's boobish area told another story , but I was my normal discreet self and didn't mention it at all since they bought me a lovely bouquet of flowers and had even remembered to peel the petrol station price lable off ..
Ellie Ron and carol and the lovely reece were late , I suspect that this was because the big fat bastard geordie love god had been practicing tantric sex and it had prevented his Arrival on time but I am not one to spread rumours
They too came baring gifts of flowers and chocolate so I forgave them and allowed them to sit on my £26 suite while I stood and kept guard so they couldn't run off with the silver.
I had basil booked into the groomers for saturday but unfortunately she had a power cut so he was mooching around and he'd like to thank reece very much for sharing his pringles and his choclate with him.My kids have been teaching basil tricks and one of them is to jump from the sofa onto the sideboard and look pitifully in at the kitchen window I had shut him in the conservatory because its a small house and he's a big lad to have mooching specially when half the room is taken up by ronald, but eventually he wormed his way in and was far better behaved than I expected usually he is a little offish with strangers and lets face it guests don't come a lot stranger.
Anyway eventually they left it seemed to take ages even though I had been looking at my watch every five minutes from their arrival and I watched doctor who then went to bed. We talked about you all and none of it was good btw

Eventuall

2007-05-26T19:07:00.000+01:00

well i wont be doing that again ..shockign

2007-05-22T12:45:00.000+01:00

my dog is officially a wuss , today I took him out for a walk and five dogs in total seemed to read the invisible sign he has carried around since puppy hood saying bite me. He's a good boy though when they attack he just comes and sits by me he's not a fighter.
My son sat his first exam this morning I am not expecting great things he's not had a good few years for various reasons although he seems much happier since we moved here.He has a girlfriend I suspect, he was dropped off last night and I happened to be looking out the window and saw him get out the back of a car then a tiny girl got out and they kissed and she got back in and was whisked away while he stood waving . I asked him what he'd been doing and he said I was round Sam reids and his mum just dropped him off and that they were revising so he's either gay and not wanting to share or he's being economical with the truth , but since he's been going round the house leaving a trail of lynx deoderant that not only keeps him dry, but all of us in a twenty mile radius too, I don't really care.he's being nice to everyone even sam and tom and it reminds me of pepe le pew when he fell for the little black cat who got painted by accident isn't young love grand.
I am going to get my hair cut and stuff on friday prior to being visited by a few mates for an afternoon soiree on saturday I hope they bring food and drink or they are going to be well dissapointed although lets face it ron could do to lose the weight ;)

2007-05-20T11:54:00.000+01:00

today I got up and hung out my washing at 6.30.I listened to my kids argue and bitched with sue herb and clank.I walked the dog cleaned the windows did some washing and cooked sunday lunch which consists of chicken roasted , sweet potatoes, veggies and roast potaoes , then we will be having cherry crumble and custard.I hope this blog excites you as much as it excites me . Thjis afternoon I shall be watching tv quizzing and shouting shut up at the kids regularly

2007-05-17T15:53:00.000+01:00

Oh Fuck it since you all begged me to come back here I am, You may wonder what I have been up to since my dramatic exit on sunday or was it monday yes a whole three days or is it four?Well I joined this really terrific web cam site how the hours flash by as dirty old man is replaced by dirty young man all wanting to show you their tackle, email me if you want the link its free ( that would be you mrs Bratt)I have deep and meaningful conversations which I will be sharing with you all. Unfortunately i keep forgetting to save them but I'll tempt you with little snippet
weaslemum: north yorks
[20:59] corren: oh im a southern bastard :)
[20:59] weaslemum: from where?
[20:59] corren: hertfordshire [20:59]
corren: n of london [20:59]
weaslemum: gosh thats almost london how very southern softie
[21:00] weaslemum: I have a brother in hertfordshire
[21:00] corren: lol [21:00] corren: cool
[21:00] weaslemum: where in the states are you
[21:01] corren: IM IN LOS ANGLELES [21:01]
corren: CAPS :?
[21:01] corren: :/
[21:01] weaslemum: its ok I am old and deaf
[21:01] corren: LOL [21:01] corren: how old r u [21:01] corren: ?
[21:01] weaslemum: 87
[21:01] corren: no way
[21:02] weaslemum: slightly less then
[21:02] corren: 86 and one half lol
[21:02] weaslemum: yes I am like adrian mole 86 and three quarters
[21:02] corren: lol i reed that at school [21:02] corren: read
[21:03] weaslemum: oh bless you must be a young thing
[21:03] corren: you male female, i woman i guess lol [21:03] corren: im minus 86
[21:03] weaslemum: I am female after the sex change I liked being a man but you know its not for me
[21:03] corren: really
[21:03] weaslemum: yes absolutely
[21:03] corren: so your a man now [21:03] corren: ?
[21:04] weaslemum: no I was a man but there was an accident at the hospital when I went in for a knee op and the dr misread it as pee op
[21:04] corren: lmao [21:04] corren: your a funny woman
[21:05] weaslemum: I went in as carl came out as hildegard , its not so bad now you can get stiletoes in size 12
[21:05] weaslemum: yes I was a funny man too
[21:05] corren: lol21:05] corren: lol [21:05] corren: can i view you
[21:06] weaslemum: do you have a handy bucket?
[21:06] corren: why lol?
[21:07] weaslemum: you may need to vomit I haven't been taking the tablets and the facial hair is a little disconcerting

2007-05-13T08:26:00.000+01:00

I wont be blogging for a while when I am back I'll let you know .

2007-05-08T11:09:00.001+01:00

Someone take me out for a night I can;t take another weekend of sitting in alone with watching dr who as the hilight

2007-05-06T13:51:00.000+01:00

Blog roll call time if you read this blog please say your name , you wont be asked for this information again and this information will not be handed on to any third party nor used to ridicule you mercilessly in any aol chat rooms........... probably

2007-05-04T13:22:00.000+01:00

I always knew I was cool or at least my CD collection was I have every single one of the top ten cool indie anthems :)( they are popular beat combos for evadnes benefit )
1. Oasis - Live Forever
2. Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
3. Pulp - Common People
4. The Smiths - There Is A Light That Goes Out
5. The Libertines - Don't Look Back Into The Sun
6. The Libertines - Time For Heroes
7. The Smiths - How Soon Is Now?
8. The Stone Roses - I Am The Resurrection
9. The Strokes - Last Nite
10. Arctic Monkeys - I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor
and no I didn;t just rush out and download them, the new Arctic monkeys album is jolly good

2007-05-02T10:40:00.000+01:00

Mavis is enjoying her new hutch , I was worried that after years of living in the house with us she would feel left out living in the garden but I need not have worried, she has a new best friend in Basil. It would appear that Basil has all the killer instinct of a slug on prozac and thinks Mavis is a small puppy type creature sent for his entertainment , Mavis , it seems, thinks that Basil is a large rabbit who is slightly dense but ultimately harmless .
I get up at about 6.45is each day and come down and let basil out , Mavis has taken to waiting for him , Basil rushes to her and they rub noses , then Basil does that plutoing thing that dogs do when they want to play, bum in air tail wagging , head down on front paws. Mavis then leaps up and races from one end of the hutch to the other disappearing into her room and coming out again and racing while basil follows her outside then after a few minutes they stop and Mavis comes to the front of the hutch again and she and Basil rub noses and then Mavis starts to eat quite merrily and Basil goes off for a wee. Its a very strange sight but they seem happy enough and she's certainly not scared of him theres no foot banging or growling ( mavis is the growler if she's annoyed everyone knows about it ) and Basil's obviously totally unaware that she's a rabbit

2007-04-30T14:03:00.000+01:00

I bought myself some flowers at the Catterick Sunday market, all these flowers for £3, I like to have flowers in the house they make me feel good , I just wish I didn;t always have to buy them for myself

2007-04-30T09:31:00.000+01:00

My divine new chandelier and oh so tasteful boudoir
and the lovely Mavis relaxing in her new apartment its six foot by four foot by three foot and she loves it

2007-04-29T18:31:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I went to ikea and I bought a chandelier , you can imagine how classy it is when I tell you it cost me 13 quid and is made of pressed tin and plastic beads,it is the finishing touch of tat in my bargain basement bedroom and the energy saving bulb I use makes the plastic beads send out stunted rainbows on the bright orange walls and nylon duvet , if Lilds own brand Lager made bedrooms it would be this bedroom.My son tom however loves my chandelier and wants one of his very own, I am worried I am looking at the evidence , the love of nazi tactics and glittery trifles and I am thinking I hope he meets a nice a boyand they both wear nice uniforms ;)

2007-04-28T11:07:00.000+01:00

I've not been doing much this week hence the lack of blog, I did however buy a new duvet cover , I have an orange bedroom and wanted a brown cover to compliment it and hide the stains from where basil drags his bottom across the bed when he has an itch ;)Anyway I got what looked like a really spiffy looking one from tkmaxx and it was only £7. It looked like a silky fabric front, embroidered with large brown circles in varying shades and a nice light brown cotton back with matching "housewife pillow cases " what the fuck is housewifely about a pillow case? Anyway I got it home and on thursday I put it on the bed well fuck me if it's not made from the same material they make lightweight tents from its like sleeping in a bloody plastic bag , sainsburys should make a similar one in cotton saying this is not a plastic quilt people would be queuing round the block for it .I put it on the bed basil jumped up and slid right off the other side hitting the wall at warp factor three, I am however pleased to report the stain didn't show ;)
I treated mavis to a new hutch this week it arrives tonight . Mavis has been living in the garage since we moved as theres no where to keep her in the house and she only has an indoor cage , she seems quite happy I leave the lid of her cage open and she is fine . Someone left the garage door open last week though and basil got in heart in mouth I ran to the garage and there they were a mouth was open and just about to close around an ear , yes mavis was licking basils ear as he lay next to the cage , sometimes I worry about that dog.
This week I also got Sky Tv put in my room , great for watching porn while drifting off to sleep I though , so the first night I go it I went to bed at 9 to watch and ended up watching a show about broadmore hospital porn is so over rated

2007-04-23T19:25:00.000+01:00

heard my kids discussing the virgin birth today , Tom says to Sam "I don't get it if god is Jesus's dad how come Mary was with Joseph?" Sam said and I quote " well god and Mary had sex , but god got bored with Mary and dumped her so Mary went out with Joseph instead"If only RE had been that exciting at the convent.
Happy St Georges day everyone and happy Shakespeares' birthday and a quick ten minutes silence for his death. My sister will be 98 tomorrow she doesn't look a day over 60 though since the botox the tummy tuck and the monkey gland injections I ebleiev she is getting a diamond encrusted Zimmer frame and some silk incontinence pants this year

2007-04-19T14:46:00.000+01:00

There was a note in my email tosday from someone who shall remain nameless, lets call her Akshunjessica it said " whats the point of you being back if you don't fucking blog " Well miss special needs lesbian , I am being abstemious of the internet while peripatetically doing other stuff so there ner.
One of the other stuff was a trip to Darlo of which I partook today, there I bought some night attire and a squeedgie for cleaning the windows , I particularly love the warning on the squeedgie" caution only to be used for cleaning " apart from a snow plough for a hamster and a dildo for a vary very slack old prostitute i can't think of anything else it could be used for

2007-04-17T12:12:00.000+01:00

I can prove that feng shui is a load of old crap , if feng shui worked there wouldn't be a rich man in the world, I live in a house with three males not one of the bastards can put down a toilet seat let alone close the lid to keep our wealth from flowing out and I refuse to believe that even bill fucking gates does it ( although he probably has a little man who does it for him or possibly he has a windows based computer programme that does it , well i say does it what it probably does is close the lid then lift it and then close it and do that several times before the blu loo of death comes on )
Its been sunny here this week and If I sleep with a tuby grip bandage on my ankle I can get my training shoes on in the morning and take the Basbo for long walks through the fields theres lots of good walks here and basils a happy lad despite us having no back garden as it's all patio ,it does make cleaning up after him very easy though.

2007-04-14T22:03:00.000+01:00

My hippos that I got in a little town called Scottborough in South africa in 1988

2007-04-13T13:35:00.000+01:00

2007-04-13T13:31:00.000+01:00

2007-04-13T07:16:00.000+01:00

Well the mocve went well , I got a new suite and dining table from ebay the suite cost me £25 and was delivered by two lads in a van from wakefield they were brilliant , picked up the key from the old house delivered the suite to the new one and dropped the key back to me with the words , E luv you look shattered tha knows you should put tha feet up and tek it easy .The suite is like new alright it's pink but does that bother me ? No it does not .
So I bet you are all wondering how I have wiled away the hours while you all missed me desperately.Well after sorting out the house I got into the habit of sending a small child out to get a paper which I read from cover to cover......no it's not the sun.Then I do the housework .. pauses to leave time for jane to pick herself up from the floor , sort the kids out then recline to the conservatory to watch the builders at the end of the garden who are building new houses and blocking out the sun, they are all however young fit and tattooed so I lie on the sofa and rake through my leg hair with a small wooden rake in a zen like manner while I contemplate their tight little buttocks and bulging biceps , I find it so enjoyable that even now when I have the internet back I intend to carry on.My youngest child who would not have been out of place in Hitlers youth movement came rushing in and said Mum mum the builders are using foul language they swear really loudly all the time , I just told him to fuck off and stop telling tales.I shall put some pictures of my new house up when i can find my camera and charge it, I would post my leg as it is now almost back to normal but I shall refrain after all the mean and nasty comments , I have decided to keep the hair but to bleach it to a rather nice golden blonde colour for the summer , with some creative raking I think I may be able to pass it off as the kind of tan one usually only gets from lying on the sands of the south of france while being waited on hand and foot by nubile young men.
Basil has settled into the new house , he is particularly fond of the new sofa which he sneaks up on every time my back is turned the little git, this estate seems to be an almost cat free zone while every house in this road owns a dog it's paradise :)

2007-04-12T18:07:00.001+01:00

Hi Honey's I'm home

2007-03-16T14:09:00.000Z

I will be MIA for a week or so after today fret not , I am merely moving house and waiting to be reconnected .During this time I may be going to a meet in Lodnon with some strange people , I shall of course fill you in on the scandal upon my return . Missing you already

2007-03-14T11:16:00.000Z

Well my foot came out of plaster yesterday, I didn't realise leg hair could grow that long, I am thinking of topiarising it or maybe letting out as a maize Maze for fleas. My ankle is still very swollen and extremely painful but the break has healed , I suspect the pain is muscle damage and it will be just a matter of time . My leg is not usually this fat nor is my foot over 5 inches thick as a rule :(
Yesterday I also picked up the keys to my new house its not very big but it is quite nice , jacks going to flip when he finds he's in a tiny room but he's never in anyway and I am tired of whinging children so he will have to lump it.You will be thrilled to know that the BB is set to start the day I move in so you wont be missing me for too long hopefully ;)
I am so tired I could sleep for a week

2007-03-09T11:24:00.000Z

How cool is this I am totally in awe

2007-03-07T11:01:00.000Z

I loikes this song I does
its jolly goo infactits fan dabby dozy

2007-03-05T21:28:00.000Z

My friend very kindly painted my nails later she will cyber wax my toes , Fez kindly autographed my plaster and a well known cyber slut added athletes foot more toe hair and basils tongue.It's a good job I have a sense of humour you nasty beasts

2007-03-05T09:40:00.000Z

yes I do have hairy hobbit like toes and my foot is dirty cos the dog just walked on it I will be going to the chiropodist when the plaster finally comes off. this is the first plaster that hasn't been right to the last joint of my toes, yesterday I actually walked round the supermarket for the first time since before xmas which was a very strange feeling, I have forgotten what being in a crowd of people is like since my life has been confined to the house and hospital of late. Basil has broken his cone and is now wearing a t shirt to sleep in he doesn't seem concerned with the stitches at all.Firefox seems to have introduced a spell check since I last blogged which is rather spiffing although it doesn't believe spiffing is a word which is distinctly unspiffing.I found a good book choosing site earlier today http://www.whichbook.net/ if you are a memeber of the library it will even order it for you which is rather good.

2007-03-01T15:25:00.000Z

sympathy cards can be sent via email at my address to bassezs bollocks rip.com

2007-02-28T16:27:00.000Z

My poor conehead he;s not a happy chappy:(

2007-02-27T14:11:00.000Z

Well that didn;t go quite according to plan , while the main break is healed the secondary one still hasn;t and they gave me the choice of not having a plaster on and not being abl;e to put any weight on it for another two weeks , or having a caste on but being allowed to put some weight ( but not all ) on it . I opted for the mobility and cast, which the consultant said would have been his choice as one twist and I would be back to square one . Why he would think I wqould take up the twist god knows they're funny blokes these consultants . Basils not back from the vets yet , but when I rang they said he was fine and would be available for pick up at 4pm. I will be taking pictures of his stitches so Urbs can sleep easy tonight

2007-02-26T16:59:00.000Z

Big day Chez weasle tomorrow at 9:00am Basil is going to the vets to have his testicles removed , I am tempted to record his bark before and then after to compare but I wont because I am too lazy . Then at 10:40 I am at the hospital where I am fully expecting to be told that I no longer need my leg in a cast and I can put some weight on it again. if this is the case I shall be rushing back home to soak my leg in the bath possibly for the next 24 hours with a nice emmolient bubble bath and a class of something nice Its like xmas eve waiting for santa to come down me chimney :-D

2007-02-23T11:41:00.000Z

I have a " special " online friend ( no not for cybering ) just special, you know the kind of friend you keep around to make you look good, the kind of friend who thinks dungarees are cutting fasion , the kind of friend who likes ladies even though she herself is a lady ( I am of course using the term Lady Loosely since she is a loose lady , infact she'd fit in the bookshelf perfectly being a gay looser ) Anyway, to avoid embarassing my friend we'll call her akshunjess to disguise her and protect her from ridicule.anyroad last night we were all in chat having a bit of a giggle and jessica suddenly said , Oh my god its a mouse , I always thought that little blank square bit on a lap top was just there as a part of the design but it's a mouse, it would appear my friend " akshun jessica" has been using a lap top for the last 3 years and had no idea at all that it had a built in mouse . I am hoping she can join paris hilton in the next season of the " simple " life she is obviously well qualified for the roll

2007-02-19T15:28:00.000Z

I have been bored of late and to kill the time I have been browsing ebay today I found the perfect T shirt for my son , he takes Basil out every day for his walk while I am laid up and can't do it , but because Jane had basil clipped and jack thinks he looks like a big girls blouse, Jack will only take him out after dark. Today I found him a dog walking T shirt on ebay all the way from germany.They also had some lovely poodle shoes in leather with little pink poodles painted all over them unfortunately I hate green and they were the wrong size if not for that they would have been mine mine I tell you. As I read the description of the shoes I wondered if it was wrong for Poodle shoes to have a kitten heel. I really think need to get out more

2007-02-15T17:07:00.000Z

My foot stinks because f the way the plaster is I can;rwash past the end of my toes and now my foot smells so bad the dog is trying to roll in it , when he;s not trying to roll in it he's trying to get his tongue up and lick out the yummy toe cheese festering up there , I can;t even put my foot on the floor without attracting him it;s getting to the point where I have t beat him off with a stick

2007-02-14T08:53:00.000Z

very funny excerpt from top gear

2007-02-13T13:48:00.000Z

I went to get my cast taken off today they took it off sent me to x-ray and then when I saw the consultant he said " does this hurt " as he pressed my ankle bone , I said "OW" he said" two more weeks don't put any weight on it" So I shall be sitting on my computer chair looking out the window at the world passing by for at least another two weeks . My foot was swollen and the skin was dry so the consultant told the plaster technician to moisturise it well which was rather lovely. I shall never take mobility for granted again , or at least until I forget what it's like to be cooped up

2007-02-08T19:12:00.000Z

Today I got a letter from my bank saying that while they did not in anyway admit that the bank charges they have made over the last 18 months are wrong they would like as a gesture of goodwill to reimburse me the sum of £1000 .This is the first bit of good luck I have had in ages may it be the turning point I have been looking for

2007-02-06T08:42:00.000Z

In the uk we are blessed with the worlds most embarrassing talk show host he hosts a show called Richard and Judy he is Richard by name Dick by nature, I came across this site showing some of his many glorious faux pas , never a show goes by without him making some classic Gaffe, HIs poor wife sits next to him obviously torn between wishing she could disappear or he would

> Interviewing Frank Sinatra's daughter:

"Now obviously you loved your father, but do you think you were actually in love with him?"

>Richard: "We'll have Neve Campbell on the show who was recently voted third sexiest woman in the history of cinema"

To Judy

"Do you think that's like being the third man on the moon?"

Judy (already exasperated after 10 seconds of the show): No.

> "I REALLY love ducks - they've always got a smile on their face."

> "YOU'RE just humming with sexual energy! Is it the fabric? Is it wearing tights?"

- Richard Madeley to transvestite artist Grayson Perry

>"WILL the gentleman with 1 nipple please reveal it?"

- Richard Madeley (Richard & Judy) Jan 31st 2006

> Confirming that only he could be impressed by Jade Goody's intelligence, Richard exclaims: "I've never met anyone who thought Sherlock Holmes invented the toilet." Later he tels her: "You're quite sharp. It's just that in the pure sense of the word, you're ignorant."

> "That particular octopus committed suicide, didn't he? He stabbed himself with his own beak."

- Richard Madeley (The Richard & Judy Show)

> (ultra-partridge) Richard Madeley reacting to a trick by mind reader Derren Brown exclaiming: "Can we have a wooden stake, some petroleum and a rope? Because we are burning you at the end of the show!"

> During a "debate" about the Sarah Payne case, Richard asking, "Do you think it's time we took a radical approach to dealing with paedophiles, as opposed to fiddling with the edges?"

> MADDEST moment of the week on Richard & Judy: When one of Westlife revealed he'd had laser surgery and Richard leapt to his feet and tried forcing open his eyes "looking for scars".

> Alan Partridge-ism of the week came when, having watched a clip of a man struggling horribly with his stutter, Madeley turned to him and enthused: "You looked as if your head was going to come off!"

> Then Richard interviewed Bernadette Hughes, who was abandoned by her mother as a child.

"You were found on the doorstep of a church," Madeley mused rather romantically. "Were you in a little basket?"

"No," she pointed out. "I was naked, with the umbilical cord and afterbirth still attached, wrapped in a pile of newspapers and left on the doorstep."

At the age of 20, Hughes traced her mother.

"You then got a letter," chipped in Judy, "It said: 'Blood isn't thicker than water. I didn't want you then and I don't want you now. I've got a family of my own and you're not it. Get lost.'"

Which, if nothing else, cleared that up.

> After a sensibly sanitised debut, Richard Madeley returned to Alan Partridge mode for the rest of the week, even interrupting one viewer's call with immortal Partridge comment, "Thanks for the story. It's over !"

> Alan-esque interview questions included (to Sophie Ellis Bextor): "Where did you get your face?" which he expanded on with, "It's Egyptian, almost cat-like. What's it like without make-up?"

> His announcements included the promise that the next day's show would feature "the man who intends to amputate his own feet, on the internet!" and a warning about a gang of dog-knappers which inspired Judy to mutter, "They better not kidnap Geri Halliwell's dog. He's only a little shih-tzu."

> "We've launched a snoring hotline," Madeley bellowed before having hysterics listening to excerpts of viewers' snoring. "Don't worry," he announced Partridgely, "We've got much funnier ones."

> A young boy, who has what is officially the longest tongue in the country, revealed: "I used to stick it out and pick my nose with it."

After the groans died down, Madeley paused before conceding, "That is one HECK of a trick."

> But the most pricelessly Partridge-esque moment of the week came when Madeley drifted off into an anecdote about the time he dreamt he was in the cupboard under the stairs - a story that concluded, triumphantly, "And I WAS in the cupboard under the stairs. Right at the back with the wellies!"

> JOHN Fashanu (on his phobia of snakes): "About once a week I've been waking up in the night and the bed's been absolutely saturated."

Richard Madeley: "With sweat?"

> THIS week's highlights of the (increasingly bonkers) Richard & Judy:

# Richard telling the woman who missed out on £928,000 because she couldn't face the queue for the Lottery, "Maybe it was for the best."
# Richard's amazement that Judy knew how to pronounce Stolichnaya vodka (as in "two bottles of Stolichnaya, please").
# Richard's description of the You Say We Play competition as "like a parlour game - an old Edwardian parlour game."
# And finally, the Alan Partridge Moment Of The Week when Richard told Charlotte Church, "OK, imagine I'm someone from with a record company with a ponytail" and started shouting, "I OWN you, Church!"

> "When we first got together, one of the things me and Judy had in common was a passion for the correct use of the apostrophe" - Richard Madeley. (Richard & Judy)

> CARING INTERVIEWER OF THE WEEK

"Your short-term memory really is shot! It must drive you nuts!!"

- Richard Madeley to George Martin, subject of Living Without Memory (Richard & Judy)

>"IT'S funny. It doesn't work the other way round !"

- Richard Madeley on white wine improving red wine stains (Richard & Judy)

> "YOU'VE lost some weight, haven't you? Why's that? You're not ill are you?!" -

Richard to Mark Williams (Richard & Judy)

> RICHARD & Judy to Janet Street-Porter:

Richard: "Tell us why your mum was so ghastly."

Judy: "She was Welsh-speaking, wasn't she?"- (Richard & Judy)

> JUDY: "Blimey, I nearly sat on my microphone - I dread to think where it would have gone."

RICHARD: "Oooh I can tell you Judy. There's only one of two options!"

> The programme also featured more recent moments of note. This included an item in 2004 on Richard and Judy about the merits of piss drinking (or Urine Therapy as they opted to call it). This time Richard took the lead with Judy intermittently yelping in horror as 'Urine Therapist' Jim Crawford outlined the benefits of the yellow stuff sat in a glass on the table. "But its got germs!" Judy wailed, "No it hasn't" admonished piss doctor to the by now near-hysterical Judy as he proceeded to glug down a full glass of his own piss to a fascinated Madeley.

Judy: Oh My GOD

Richard: How would you describe the flavour?

> Interviewing actress Claire Goose, Richard asks, "Weren't you once a story-telling raccoon in a theme park?"

When Ms Goose tries to lead the discussion back to Waking The Dead, Richard continues, excitedly demanding "What sort of stories did you have to tell as a raccoon? Did you have a special raccoon voice?"

> Richard starts reminiscing about when he was small and his mother undressed in front of him.

"Where are we going with this?" Judy demands.

In a moment of pure Alan Partridge, Richard announces the competition.

"David Seaman is celebrating his 39th birthday today. His ponytail is 10!"

> He describes the phone number (08703-662-233) as "A numerically satisfying number there."

> Finally, Judy introduces the debate.

"Do you think that it's clever or crazy to implant children with computer chips?" Judy asks.

"How do you feel about getting a micro-chip in part of you?" Richard asks a 10-year-old boy. "We don't know which part yet..."

> When concluding the interview of someone who'd been permanently disabled after an accident, Richard comforts her by saying "You poor thing", before launching into "Anyway, coming up after the break...."

> Madeley can hardly contain himself when they have on a guest who is gay or bisexual. Instead of asking about their work or whatever he focuses on their sexuality, asking Rebecca Looes "so will you end up with a bloke or a woman?" and "would you want to snog Judy?" When John Barowman was on he asked him "Would you rather have sex with me or Judy?" to which the lovely John replied "I'd have your bottom half Richard and Judy's top half".

> Interviewing a teenage anorexic just now:
"5 Stone? Wow that's concentration camp thin that is"

> R&J are interviewing a man and a woman with dwarfism about 2 years ago. They had just come from Parliament, where they'd been protesting about the discrimination against little people and how the only jobs they could get were in panto and the like. To set the tone of the discussion, Madeley introduced a clip from Austin Powers showing how little people were cruelly treated as figures of fun for our entertainment.

Unfortunately the Mini-Me clip was really quite funny. He then asked the woman about playing a Wookie and meeting George Lucas (this is all true, I swear). I kept watching in horror, until he turned to the bloke and said, 'So you're protesting about this discrimination now. You must have had it up to here,' and put his fingertips to his forehead.

> I remember a time when they were doing one of their medical pieces about 'Women's problems' (with the creepy doctor who likes to say 'menstruation' alot).

Anyway, Richard interrupted the discussion with something along the lines of 'Yes, Judy - remember when you had thrush? YOu had a terrible time of it'.

> Acouple of years ago he interviewed a young kid with leukaemia. He greeted the boy with a cheery "Hello baldy!".

> “And that's a self-portrait of himself, by himself.”

> “When we (himself and Judy) were trying to conceive, I would douse
my balls in icy cold water before intercourse.'”

> "I've never met a single woman who's happy with the way she looks, except Jordan, although I've never met her,"

> Richard Madeley: "I understand you have a little lad of 12."
Caller: "Yes, that's right."
Richard Madeley: "Is he a boy or a girl?"
Caller: "A boy."

> "Frankly, I don't think that what we see on television is erotic enough. I haven't seen a sex scene on television recently that has remotely turned me on. And I've been there till 4am waiting for it."

> "Can you imagine if they'd had morris dancers at Dunkirk?"

2007-02-04T19:41:00.000Z

Feel better today went on an aazon ordering love fest intend to read myself to happiness :-D

2007-02-03T19:14:00.000Z

I am tired I don't sleep anymore I go to bed and I fall asleep then I wake up at 2 and lie awake worrying until I doze off just in time for the alarm. I am finding it hard to deal with the kids because I am tired Sam is hard work at the best of times . I am very down tonight ,It's Toms birthday tomorrow it should be a happy day but it just eans I have all the pain of seeing john while faking it for Tom. I feel like running away maybe schell and I could find an island and hide on it till all the shit has gone.JOhn still blames jack for everything becaquse of the shit he got into last year,i can;t hold a grudge against my kid for ever he;s trying now and I think that is what counts but its not enough for JOhn.JOhn is having hypnotherapy sessions to help his depression , I just have to pull myself together and get a grip etc to cope with how I feel . I haven't seen one person other than john and the doctors at the hospital since Jane went , I have at least two more weeks in plaster everyday is like being in solitary confinement without the internet I would go mad , but on the internet people expect you to be happy no one wants to hear misery. I feel totally let down by life at the moemnt I do seee anything good on the horizon . JOhn took me to look at houses yesterday but If he can;t pay the mortgage on this house how can I trust him to pay the rent on any other. I don;t want the sole responsibilty of kids for the next ten years its too hard to do alone ,I can;t move to be near my family because Jack has been offered an apprentiship at a place in darlington where he wil come out with a good qualification and a chance of a creer with that fim. I just see being alone for the next few years and it makes me sad

2007-01-31T08:47:00.000Z

Today I am 42 whoopdi fucking dooo

2007-01-23T22:07:00.000Z

Very quick visit to the hospital today for x rays,I was in and out before my actuall appointment time. I have to stay off my foot for another 3 weeks then go back for another x ray.Hopefully by then I will be allowed to put some weight on it.The snow held off until I got back so my sleepless night worrying about getting down the drive to the car was unnecessary. I didn't see my plaster technician which was very disappointing.I have now had 14 x rays of my ankle and I fear it is probably infertile now and will never have baby ankles. They did a show girl dance routine on CBB tonight it was really quite good ,I have a soft spot for Ian from steps.Tomorrow we will find out who is up for nomination and I shall let my sister know.Basil has taken to sleeping in my bedroom but I wont let him on the bed so he waits til he thinks I am asleep and then tries to creep up,it wont work though I don;t like dogs on beds.He is missing Jane I think ,I called him Mr Basil today and he ran off to look for her

2007-01-22T14:37:00.000Z

today I am mostly feeling angry, self pitying and tearful in equal measures.I have a hospital appointment tomorrow which is something to look forward too ,its the only adult company I shall have for about 3 weeks,the house is starting to feel like a prison:(I don;t think I have ever felt hatred towards anyone like I feel it towards john at the present moment

2007-01-20T19:04:00.000Z

Jane left today in a taxi,the weather is apalling Gale force winds and lashing rain, I bet she'll be more than glad to get to my mum and dads and be warm and pampered .I am so grateful to her for coming over and clearing my house of the detritus.In return for her goodness I got her hooked on Celbrity big brther and she now hates Jasde goody and Danielle so I have made her English for a week.This years Celeb big brother is shocking I have never seen such bullying by adults in such an unashamed w3ay,its like being back at school again .When the only people in the house you like are foreigners it makes you wonder about where celbrity in the country is going .Dirk benedict can have me is he wants.Jermaine Jackson seems a good sort too and H from steps is lovely but welsh. Shilpa shetty is gorgeous ,but the english woman in there are just vileness personified :(.
I inten to win the lottery tonight fingers crossed

2007-01-16T15:52:00.000Z

My sister is here,talk about scary she keeps talking about clutter and clearing clutter my garage is full of bin bags I don;t know what they contain but theres a lot of them.I went back to the fracture clinic today and had a new plaster cast put on by the lovely Plaster technician who I would like to run off with if I were 20 years younger and 10 stone lighter,he really is such a nice man.In fact everyone at that hospital is absolutely brilliant no matter how busy they are they have a smile and time to explain things and bother to call you by your first name and Alex not alexandra off the notes.I really can't praise them enough even down to the volunteer drivers who picked me up and drove me to my appointment free of charge,If I win the lottery Darling Memorial hospital are in for a very large donation from me bless thier lovely cotton socks.Basil has bonded with Jane he may be devastated when she goes on saturday she;s arranged for him to be groomed on thursday feel very ungroomed having been laid up since before xmas .Jane should have her own tv show she puts those two old woman on how clean is your house to shame

2007-01-11T18:07:00.000Z

am having to find somewhere new to live my soon to be ex husband hasn;t been paying the mortgage regularly and they want to forlose ,I am applying for a housing assosciation house every time I think things can't get any worse they somehow mange it.I talked to my inlaws today ,my MIL who is johns dads second wife was really nice and let me bitch to her ,she said John had told her it was all lovely and amicable she suspects he has anothe rowman down south,if he does then I feel dead sorry for her she has a lot of boring sex to look forward too.I intend to become a nun.Jane arrives tomorrow i will be glad of the company and someone to talk to its hard keeping a brave front up for the kids and harder still not slagging john off to them at the moment I culd happily stab him.how I am supposed to find a house when I can't even leave this one on doctors orders I am not sure I would like to be 6 months down the road in my life at the moment with the shitty bit behind me and a lovely bright shining futrure about to start.This broken ankle couldn;t have come at a worse time I feel trapped and unable to deal with things and because I am immobile I have nothing to do but think .I have just done all the washing which hasn;t een done since I was tken ill before xmas the kids are tidying up the house ready for jane .JOhn wont come up while Jane is here because he " doesn;t like confrontation " i am wishing him nothing but harm

2007-01-09T13:40:00.000Z

Well the good news is that my ankle seems to be heeling suprisingly well and so far no op is needed .I have to go back next week for another x ray when they will make the final decision.the rest ofmy life is still shittier thean the shittiest thing in a shit thing competition.I provbably wont be blogging much for a while no one nwants to read a self pity fest so until I regain my humour or pete doherty marries me I shall stay quiet

2007-01-08T21:55:00.000Z

would anyone like my Karma,my father in law has just been diagnosed with cancer of the stomach liver and one lungits truly a great year.I am off to the hospital tomorrow t find out if my ankle bone needs to be screwed back into place with a metal plate I should find out by mid afternoon so I shall tall you tomorrow.Basil thinks my crutches are a marvellous game and tries to grab them as I labouriously wend my merry way from room to room ,I say room to room I mean from the lounge floor matress where I spend my days to the loo or to the computer chair .I can;t use the comp for long as the angle tends to cut off my circulation.Jane is coming over on friday to lnd a hand which is good I have sent the kids to the shops to buy up all the chocolate.More news from the disaster area that is my life tomorrow when I get the results of my ankle .

2007-01-03T11:06:00.000Z

the new years started off crackingly, It was a nice day and having called a truce we took Basil up to the moors (We no longer have toby we had to rehome him owing to his bullying of toby ,his harry houdini ways and his desire to kill any strange dog he came into contact with )It was sleeting and hailing up on the hills and very windy abut when you know you can get wrm and dry after its sometimes nice to walk in that weather.We walked about a mile then turned to come back cos sam was crying with the cold , I fell over and thought gosh its slippery carried on walking back to the car .About 500 yards away from the car slipped again and I heard a strange popping/cracking sound which I thought was my welly coming apart as it is part neoprene part rubberwhen I couldn;t get up I thought that I had strained my ankle but it would be ok I hobbled to the car and got in john wanted to go to casulty and I thought it would be ok, we got home and I couldn;t put my foot down so we dropped bas off and went to darlo A&E.it was packed but they saw me quite fast and went from thinking I was just a bit of sprain to a break after I took my welly off and my ankle was 4 times its usul size.I got an xray done and they put a plaster cast on my leg and sent me home told me to go to the fracture clinic on the following mowning .Went yesterdy turns out I have broken my lateral malleus or something in three places .It was slightly out of alignment so the nice plaster tachnician manipulated it it in the hope it will heal ,if not I have to have a plate fitted and it all screwed in but they are hopeful if I stay off it this week then I may get away without the op.The divorce is back on john said ither he or jack had to ogo and I siad see you then

2006-12-26T15:50:00.000Z

What i have http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/articles/article.aspx?articleId=226 :(
What I wish I had http://www.zeenews.com/znnew/articles.asp?aid=343957&ssid=2&sid=ENT ;)( although not the shane mcgowan bit Clank ( thats japanese for mad old bint you know ) could have shane

2006-12-15T16:53:00.001Z

Is it me or is everything just a big pile of wank?

2006-12-12T12:59:00.000Z

I'd just like to thank my very cool sister for sending me all the Penhaligons stuff that she stole from her hotel in Rome its much appreciated and I can now go to my sons carol concert smelling like a tarts boudoire which will go down well at the Methodist church ;)

2006-12-11T16:27:00.000Z

Hello kiddies ,are you all going to stop moaning now I treat you to fine crimbo songs and all I get is flack ,its not on you know.I don;t sweat over a hot keyboard looking for fun and exciting things for all of you to ignore you knowjust be grateful I didn;t put up the never mind the buzzcocks episoodes that I was contemplating ,John Barrowman is hilarious though so if you are boreda and have half an hour to spare , watch it on you tube , he;s so far out the closet he's practically coming back through it.
We have had nowt but rain here for days the back garden has no grass left its just mud from the dogs playing on it ,therefore my whole house is muddy too I just can't keep upwith the cleaning ....it;s strange I can't keep up with the cleaning but I can watch youtube I am not sure why .
Apart from some Dr who stuff and some lego the boys don;t seem to want much this year which is just as well since they aren't getting much.Jack s 16 next week so on Saturday I am taking him shopping for clothes ,this means we will go to jjb sports he will pick three ysl jumpers ,three pairs of trakie bottoms and five slazenger or lonsdale polo shirts oh what a voyage of discovery it will be .He will then try to screw something else out of me and no doubt.
On saturday last i went alone as ever to see the Rom com The Holiday ,I really wanted to like it I love sentimental films at crimbo it ,I am not a huge Jude Law fan although he is growing into his face these days and looks less like a cartoon than he used to.It was ok but it wasn't love actually or Brig Jones or even notting hillI didn;t really care about the people although Eli Wallach was charming.Jack Black was goo d in though I quite fancy Jack black it must be my year for weird crushes .

2006-12-04T15:24:00.000Z

Rudolph the deep throat reindeer !x!X!x!

tis the season to be jolly

2006-12-01T13:20:00.000Z

Goodbye to the Normals

2006-12-01T12:16:00.000Z

Dead Ringers Do Arctic Monkeys

2006-11-28T17:46:00.000Z

The final fronteir
I forgot to mention that one of the group obviously has sheep dog genes and goes into panic mode when the group are separated and thus ewhen anyone wen toff to the bar or for a wee or for a cigarette went into a stress indiuced round up mode running from group to group and only settling when the group was reunited .
After we got back from dropping carole off for her trrain sex date we went to the slug and lettuce the others eventually joined us and we stettled down rounfd the worlds biggest pub table at this point a lovely foursoem came and joined out group and chatted to debs, one of the foursme took a shine to ronadld ( and who wouldn;t after a few pints of beer in a dark room full of smoke )and offered to fish him , ron at this point shot across the table and hid behind the biggest butchest member of the group or me as she's also called and sat there trembling like a frightened flower in the path of a flymo.We decided to leave the pub and go and get some food ,being classy gourmet types we went to pizza hut , NEVER and i mean NEVER have i been so ashamed in my life it was like a school outing for special needs teenagers who had eaten nothing but e numbers for weeks leading up to the day trip. How hard I ask you is it for 7 adults to order pizz`as without showing themselves up? Well apparently its slightly harder than the very hardest thing in a hard thing contest held on hard street. AFter several months debate the poor poor poor girl who was waitressing finally managed to bing us some semblence of an order everyone tucked in except phil who being awkward had ordered taglitelle, then when it arrived had the temeritytocmpalin there was no meet on it ,mind you the rotty was more than willing to go and complain. A young couple were trying to enjoy an evening of love and courtship behind us it was like a scene from lady and the ramp before we came in when it changed to a scene from the loud and the vulgar .I kept smiling and winking and saying sorry and after five minutes I managed to make them leve . Oh and hands up everyone who agrees an olive tatses like a regurgitatedblow job....... put your hand down adrian you aren;t supposed to know what a blow job tatses like to deny it .
We asked the waitress in pizza hut if there was anywhere we could dance , and she started to laugh and look embrassed, she then said I'll go and ask in the kitchen they are all old ,I mean local . she then spent a happy half hour trying yo find a diplomatic way to say there is nowhere in york where old people candance on a saturday .so we went to a pub and tried to decide if it ws liam gallagher or iggy pop on the wall , then it was back to thew hostel for me and ade nd I trhink the others wen off for group sex .

2006-11-27T13:23:00.000Z

Anyway we grabbed a few chairs and put two tables together sat down and some people ordered food .adrian had ordered his food before anyone else Came * arrived* Everones food arrived * came* except drains so the scottish rottweiler suddenly went into attack mode and grabbing the poor little waiter by the neck she punched him mercilessly until he promised to be straight back with the lasagne ( it was probably very spat on lasange after that:-D)At this point Stuart turned up but said I'm not staying ( so we all heaved a sigh of relief he's obviously very odd ;) ) we made him sit on a bar stool while the rest of sat in comfy chairs and kirt threw things at him ,eventually she got bored with throwing things at him and started throwing tomato ketchup sachets about she got really excirted when two siamese twins in a pushchair entered the pub and started to aim the sachets at them trying to sever them , We all tried to move away from her onto the comfy sofas but she followed .
Two of the company by this point were becomeing very chummy so in the spirit of romance we all sat and stared at them both and listened in on their conversation .Apparently he couldn't afford to pay but that was ok because she didn't expect paying which is rather nice on a first date I think,hopefully she'll make him pay now though.
I sent the others on the ghost walk and debs and I escorted Carole to the station,she was only on the train two seconds before she;d picked up two blokes and was flirting outrageously with a scottish cowboy who was sharing his bottle of vintage 99p plonk with the carriage , I eard they had sex in the toilet before Darlington but I can't post the pictures because the british Transport police want the video for their xmas party.
Debs and i then had a nice cupa and I had a toasted sandwich and we slagged off those who were n the ghost walk off and then walked to the slug and lettuce to await their arrival.
More later cos it's time for neighbours now

2006-11-26T23:42:00.000Z

York was very jolly, the night before it had been pissing down with gale force winds and it was still pissing down in the morning , but when I got to york it stopped because as we know the sun always shines on the righteousand you don't get more righteous than me;).
Got booked into the back packers hostel and found out I was on a top bunk , didn;t worry though because I know a [pissed woman can scale mount everest let alone a bonk bed when the bottom of it is filled with a total stranger from australia, so I threw me bag up there and wandered into town ,on the way i passed a strange looking man on the stairs ,he looked at me oddly and I thought " blimey I hope I don't bump into him again I bet he's a mad axe murderer or possibly he's from kent or somewhere " I carried on and soon forgot him .I Wandered down low petergate and went into the cheap bookshop and bought a copy of an inspector Banaby book incase they were boring bastards and I needed some entertainment.
i wombled down to the pub and had a quick scout round incase anyone had arrived early but they hadn''t so I had a packet of crisps and a j2o ( never let it be said I don't know the meaning of gourmet dining ) and wombled around town a bt more.
Got to the pub at 2 because punctuality is my middle name or it would be if it wasn't elizabeth anyway was trying to get a drink when I was accosted by the man axeman from the hostel. Hello are ytou Alex he said I'm Ade ,I tried to bolt for the door but my way was blockedit was too late.at that point I decided to keep my coat on incase I had to make a quick get away ( keeping my coat on had nothing whatsoever to do with hiding the fact that I am a bloater with a body moby dick would be proud of ...oh no )Shortly after that another tow total strangers came up and said Oh look she's got scary eyes that must be her and thus Debs Carol and Kirstie intoroduced themselves , followed shortly by Nick parks long lost twin brother or phil as he pretends he is called. we got a table and started to drink copious amounts of alcohol in the hope of bonding it was never going to work they were obviously criminally insane at the vey least.They ordered food I didn;t because I like people to believe I hardly eat a thing I was going to have a pastie earlier but the queue was miles long so I just lied and said I'd had one and started drinking gin, you can't beat gin on an empty stomach to make you believe ou are actually the life and soul of the party and not an embarrassingly drunk loud middle aged woman.
Shortly before we sat doqwn or possibly shortly after we were joined by Ellie and ronald who had obviously found shopping for hamster calanders was more satifying than turning up at the pub at the correct time not that I am one to moan oh no not me. I shall continue this tomorrow cos you don't get a lot of sleep in the backpackers hostel on a bed with an australian snoring underneath

2006-11-19T13:44:00.000Z

Pete's been arrested for crack cocaine possession again I guess the alexander mcquee nwedding frock wont be coming out any time soon maybe another spell in pentonville is the only answer:(.
My iPod is now black and looks like new it, was a bit like having one of the dogs at the vets ,I paced up and down and kept iming for updates on how the operation was going during the half hour it took to change from white to black.Apparently its quite fiddley but not difficult all told £10 well spent I feel,I'll probably get it nicked now it looks good again,then they'll see my playlist and try and put it back again .
John has taken Sam to see Casino Royal today Sam is a huge bond fan and has been counting the days until it came out ,it's had very good reviews over here ,it's not often a film gets five stars in the Grauniad and in the sun,they just came out ands said it's the best Bond film ever nd he;s a fabulous bond and sams a peirce Brosnon fan and John liked roger moore so he must be good ,I myself only watch the sean connory ones so I didnt go.
Next Saturday I am going t a meet in York to meet up with soem ther pub quizzersIam staying in he backpackers hostel cos I couldn;t find a cheap b&b in town I'll take me camera and put some pictures of york up apparently its the xmas fare thingy.

2006-11-17T16:35:00.000Z

Bushtucker Trial #4 - Dean Gaffney [Part One]

this is part one of the buchtucker challenge from last nigth,I was alone watching it and nearly wet myself

2006-11-17T13:59:00.000Z

My iPod is white and all scratched its a video ipod and the cover is so screwed now I can;t see the videos so I got a new shiney black one from ebay it arrived this morning,not a new shiney black ipod video just a new shiny black front plate,the ony good thing about being married to a geek is that when your electronics get fucked up you have someone on hand who can mend it without having bits left over or killing the plastic flppy bits .I need to find a good protective cover for it that isn;t sillicone cos that just makes the screen fuzzy anyone got anything they use thats good?

2006-11-14T18:17:00.000Z

Due to popular demand the libertines - youre my waterloo

You'll never fumigate the demons
No matter how much you smoke
Just say you love me for three good reasons
And I'll throw you the rope
You don't need it
Cause you are the survivor
Of more than one life
And you're the only lover I had
Who ever slept with a knife

But you're not Judy Garland
Oh just like me
You've never really had a home
Of your own
But I'm not Tony Hancock, baby
Until the day
We stone the crows
We stone the crows

We stone the crows

And you see I've brought you flowers
All collected from the Old Vic stage
Well I've been sitting here for hours, baby
Just chasing these words across the page

Cause you're my Waterloo
Well I'll be your Gypsy Lane
I'm so glad we know just what to do
And exactly, who's to blame

And you're my Waterloo
I'll be your Stanley Park
Well I'm so glad we know just what to do
And no one's left stumbling around
Fumbling around
Tumbling around in the dark
Always in the dark

You're my Waterloo
And I'll be your Calvary
Well I'm so glad we know just what to do
And everyone's gonna be happy
Everyone's gonna be happy
Everyone's gonna be happy
But of course

2006-11-13T16:43:00.000Z

Sixty Six Trailer

this is the flim I went to see on saturday and jolly funny it is too

2006-11-11T18:12:00.000Z

i went to see Sixty six today I really enjoyed it its a feel good film ,Its abou young boy who;s bahmitzvah falls on the same day that England make the workd cup final and all the planning and chaos that oes on ,Its a nice film and it made me happy inthat kind of way that makes you happy and sad and nostalgic .I was only 1 the year we won the world cup Jane would love it she was 13 cos she;s very very old and that was her era ,my era was the late 70s early 80s.It did raise a few questions though ,whatever happened to Fine fare and macfisheries .ad why did we move into supermarkets when high streets were so much nicer with individual shops

2006-11-08T17:07:00.000Z

I so would given the chance

2006-11-08T11:58:00.000Z

I think the shirt may be a bit miselading ,but he;s looking a damn sight healthier than I've seen him .Apparently he may be spending xmas in pentonville though bless him

2006-11-07T08:01:00.000Z

these are the shoes aol hates the picture file ,if you want them drop me an email and I'll arrange for them to be in darlo on thursday

2006-11-06T17:49:00.000Z

I went on a school trip today to the Bows museum ( google it yourself i can;t be arsed to add links ) It was fucking dismall there were 32 kids at least ahlf of which were boys and we went to a lace exhibition , bored 9 yearold boys are aout as easy to controll as my fat when I pole dance they were everywhere .I kept them quite for half an hour by finding a two headed 7 legged stuffed calf and a cabinet full of dead birds that Norman Bates would have killed for , then we went back upstairs to the art exhibtion , I eventually gave up trying to get them intrested in the finer points of canelleto and told them to go and count the amount of naked people they could fnd in the pictures ,I doubt I will be asked to supervise any more school trips

2006-11-04T17:22:00.000Z

i have a guilty secret I can barely sleep because of it ,last night I tossed and turned for hours.I have a friend we'll her jackie or clank napper or maybe stroppy girl to hide her identity,she sells things on a well know auction site we'll call it Fbay.Occaisionally when things aren;t selling well she email me and pleads with me to do despicable things like up the bid by 50p and sometimes as much as £1 after I have done it I live in fear that that velvet dress 18m-2years will be mine until I am outbid,The wrst thing I ever did was force the pice of a dolly parton cd up and accidenatally created a bidding war for soemthing that you can get for £2.99 from a petrol station. I know its despicable but I also know that I will do it again next time because her pitiful pleas of Dizzy needs a dolls house for christmas will wrack me with guilt another way

2006-10-28T15:49:00.001+01:00

I went to Middlesbrough today I was going to see The History Boys but I arrived to late for the showing I wanted so I just wandered roud the shops then came home.The bus was full on the way into darlington and I had to stand until scotch corner ,I don;t know about anywhere else but if you stand on our local busses you just have to grab onto one of the seat poles and hope for the best ,Our roads are very windy and the bus driver treats them like a slalam skiierr treats a downhill course and I I could think as I stood there hanging onto the pole and changing my position every couple of seconds to counter balance the turns in the road was that I must look like the worlds oldest fattest Pole dancer, fully clothed moving to a rhythm that only ska bands and Punks have ever tried to dance to, aaaaa c'est la vie

2006-10-27T17:41:00.000+01:00

Babyshambles & Friends - Janie Jones ( Strummerville)

its for charideeeee and I like the bit where they sing you lucky lady cos I am easily pleased