Saturday, February 03, 2007
I am tired I don't sleep anymore I go to bed and I fall asleep then I wake up at 2 and lie awake worrying until I doze off just in time for the alarm. I am finding it hard to deal with the kids because I am tired Sam is hard work at the best of times . I am very down tonight ,It's Toms birthday tomorrow it should be a happy day but it just eans I have all the pain of seeing john while faking it for Tom. I feel like running away maybe schell and I could find an island and hide on it till all the shit has gone.JOhn still blames jack for everything becaquse of the shit he got into last year,i can;t hold a grudge against my kid for ever he;s trying now and I think that is what counts but its not enough for JOhn.JOhn is having hypnotherapy sessions to help his depression , I just have to pull myself together and get a grip etc to cope with how I feel . I haven't seen one person other than john and the doctors at the hospital since Jane went , I have at least two more weeks in plaster everyday is like being in solitary confinement without the internet I would go mad , but on the internet people expect you to be happy no one wants to hear misery. I feel totally let down by life at the moemnt I do seee anything good on the horizon . JOhn took me to look at houses yesterday but If he can;t pay the mortgage on this house how can I trust him to pay the rent on any other. I don;t want the sole responsibilty of kids for the next ten years its too hard to do alone ,I can;t move to be near my family because Jack has been offered an apprentiship at a place in darlington where he wil come out with a good qualification and a chance of a creer with that fim. I just see being alone for the next few years and it makes me sad
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I'm just curious Alex , whats the current situation on the house you are now in as far as the bank goes? Also what is the size of the house ( number of bedrooms) and with your husband gone how many bedrooms do you realistically need ? How many kids do you have who live at home ? How much is owed on the house both in back morgage and what is the amount of the current morgage. Whats the house realistically worth in a quick sale . I know I;m asking a lot and actually I'd ask more but I don't want to confuse things and anyway I must go to thrifty for some food . I have some ideas . Nothing novel or radical but I need o know most of the above info to hink about it , thanks ,allan
Alex, it's not true that none of us wants to hear misery. Well.... correction.... it IS true but there are plenty of us who are prepared to LISTEN. Of course you can't bear a grudge against your boys forever. And you have said before that Sam is trying now, so that's good.
Things WILL pick up. Four weeks down and two to go. You're getting there!
We're all here rooting for you and willing you to get better quickly so that you can get out and about again.
For years and years, after my husband died, I kept the radio on all night. Try LBC.....97.3 FM It's talk radio 24 hours a day. Sometimes it's rubbish but it's peoples' voices. It's company. And, if you don't agree with what's being said... shout at the radio! I did. If you're out of range... you can listen online.
Hang on in there, Alex. I know you can do it. You HAVE to... for the boys. And you will.
I'd rather not say on a blog allan
Alex, I'd love to go away with you. Let's plan an imaginary trip.
Hold old are your boys? And, why do you have to put on a happy front for them? You might think you have to, but I'm sure they'll understand if you don't. You are human, after all.
People, at least me, don't mind hearing about misery when it's someone they're concerned about.
Ok Alex no problem, my thinking was if there is anyway you can stay in the current house it would simplify your life . The house would have to go completely into your name and you would have to come up with the money to stop the foreclosure if thats where things are at .I was also thinking if it's a big house you might take in some boarders for a few years to come up with extra income or possibly make a rentable flat in the house if that isnt a problem with the town rules or the town rules can be gotten around . Since I don't know the amounts owed , due , worth ect , or even if the plan is for you and john to sell and split the dough I'm kind of shooting in the dark here . I sure wouldn't count on john to pay rent in a leased house Alex . That sounds like major trouble to me . If he stops paying then what ? You end up homeless with kids? If that happens while you still can do some research on the best cities in europe to live as a homeless single mother . Consider climate , government programs and foods likely tossed away in dumpsters . Maybe southern Italy might be a good choice but I have to tell you alex tossed out pasta with tomato sauce always looks so shitty .
Good luck Alex , Allan
Tackle the problems one at a time and things start to take shape. You don't know me Alex, but I know the situation you are in, I've been there myself, it always seems hopeless at first, but it does get better, I promise. Keep your chin up! And remember . . nils illigitmus carborundum.
what in the world is this:nils illigitmus carborundum?
I looked on the web but its too much work to bother with so anon how about a clue, thanks , allan
I think things will start looking up once that cast is off. You might not feel so alone if you can get out and about. Hang in there mems, we're pulling for you!!
I'm curious if you are in love with John or just need his financial support?
Sorry. I wish I could do something. I hate feeling helpless.
They love this stuff. Look at Schell's blog. 52 posts on her misery. If she had a great day, she would lucky to get one poster. Keep blogging. It's like an addicting soap opera.
Any woman who puts aside her financial independence for a man gets this struggle in the end.
When does the plaster come off? What is the situation with Johns woman? Have you thought of going to a doctor about how you feel? Did you like any of the houses? How far away are your parents or your other siblings? Could any of them come and help?
Its true anon . One day Schells blog was cooking with comment after comment . The next day she reported a bit of possible progress with the boy and the blog sunk like a lead balloon . maybe 5 comments , the usual easy to write "I feel your pain " bullshit .
Keep it up Alex . The more misery the more popular your blog will be . I've even started making a mockery of your situation and that will likely bring in the crowds to protect you from "The Ogre".
Blogs where everythings going well Alex only get a few hits and generally those are boring "glad everythings fine , alls fine here too" type of crap .
So keep up the good work Alex . I see big things for your blog especially if you can sneak in a bit more misfortune.
Oh ALex , look, not to pour salt in the wounds but I won the Triumph TR3 I showed you a picture of on Ebay . 30 grand Alex and I know I said it will be yours for your birthday but Alex , do you have the money to afford a car even if you don't blow thousands on converting the steering to british steering theres still the shipping the car to England , insurance , road tax and on and on . I think a car might be a burden on you right now and I better give it to that 20 year old hot number at the bakery instead . Sorry Alex .
Allan
nils illegitimus etc is bastard latin for "dont let the bastards grind you down
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